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star, nebula
Oh dear..I'm already missing days. I got distracted and such and I just never got to the computer with time to write. Okay, so yeah...going away was pretty good. The people I stayed with are the same creeps they have always been but I was able to have fun anyways and even meet some new people out there. I took a detour on the way home and did some exploring and visited this place I always wanted to go with someone, but I did it alone...and it was fulfilling. I think life is always better lived when you have someone to share your experiences with...but it was satisfying in a different way to be able to do what I want without needing someone else to do it with me.
When I finally got home Tuesday night, I did another thing that I have not done in too long. I went to visit my grandparents. It was such a good feeling to finally do the right thing. Family should have been a bigger priority all along and now that I know that, I will do better at making it one. So as I was leaving my grandparents house..he calls...HE calls...he CALLS. Yeah, umm...cause he needed to tell me that he guessed I had gone away and where I went. I suppose he also wanted to tell me about this job thing that was going on. It was...awkward...only because he said we would only call if there was something happening...and that it would be at least a after two days he calls to tell me things that are (in my opinion I guess) not really breaking news. And he then tells me that it is now my turn to call...he specifically says to call him in a week. So I feel a bit strange because he tells me to call in a week...but he called after two if I wait a whole week does it make it seem like I don't care as much as him? But if I call after a few days with nothing important to say, will it seem like I'm not trying? I wonder if he misses me. I wonder if he thinks I don't miss him because I went away to party with creepy friends. This leaves me with too much to wonder about. I want him to know that I miss him but I'm not supposed to call him...and when I do call in a week, should I tell him I miss him? Is it too late to bother? Is it ever too late? Is the fact that I'm questioning the appropriateness of sharing how I feel yet another example of the exact problem that got me into this situation or is it an accurate read of the situation now that its come to this point?
I don't know what is right anymore. I can't see a good reason to hold back at this point...its not as if I have much to lose. I just feel empty and sad and I can't sleep or relax because I am always wondering what he's doing...and that damn phone call sure complicates things...

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