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star, nebula
Well, here is my first entry. I've decided to start this new journal separate and private from people who know me because I don't want to sensor what I'm saying and I don't want to care what people think. I hide more from the people I know and love than I do from strangers. I suppose thats because I have less to lose with strangers.
I'm not very good at writing or organizing my thoughts. I generally don't use paragraphs because I tend to jump around from topic to topic quite recklessly and that just defeats the purpose. I do, however, sometimes separate things that in my mind are different thoughts just because it is more comfortable for me to read...but I don't think it really counts as paragraphs.They say that the most efficient journals are one written free form....not bothering with complete sentences or paragraphs of stopping to decide if something makes sense....just an emptying of your thoughts as they are. The way I interpret this is that by allowing for a lack of structure, you are able to maintain the purity of your thoughts...and they are not altered by attempting to fit them into a mold of sorts.
So, the other reason for creating this journal is that I feel the need for more personal reflection and consideration of my past, present and future. I never really think about my life and what I want for myself. I don't typically set out to achieve goals. I like to be free and just go where the wind blows and let fate run my life. Up until this point in my life, that has worked out beautifully. However, at this moment, I am 25, single, have an associates degree, have a wonderful job that I want as a career, but I'm stuck. I feel like there is nothing else that life has to offer me. I want the things I either can't have or must wait for...and I've got everything I need.
The man I love ended our 2 year relationship 7 months ago for unknown reasons. He refuses to get back together although we might as well be. It breaks my heart every day that he does not want an official relationship with me just so he can meet girls on the internet and make friends. Those are the only reasons I can see. The only reason he gives is "It wouldn't be fair"...and there is no explanation behind it. He's not a jerk, so I just don't get it.
I always thought I would go to college and get a bachelors degree and a job and be happy...turns out I hate college. I had to drop out after 4 years Buff State because I just stopped going to classes. I forced myself to go back to school but for an associates was a compromise...I got lucky...the teachers were coursework was something I really truly had a passion for...I got straight A's all four semesters...and it worked out because I got to do something I really love. Somehow, I feel inferior...because I never got the bachelors degree that my friends got. I never got to apply to graduate school when they did. I have a job I love that doesn't pay the bills. I could suffer to get a bachelors degree that will allow me to get a job I hate and pay my bills. Seems like a horrible trade off.
I'm not ready to think about dating. I hate being alone. The last time I dated people was more than a few years ago and I was just a totally different person then. I'm not sure I could ever take the same approach that seemed to work for me then. Besides that, I'm just not interested. I know who I love...and if you aren't him, you don't really stand a chance. It worries me though...the thought of getting old and not having someone to share life with and not having children to pass things down scares me...but I promised myself a long long time ago that I would never settle. So as long as I'm in love with him, I'm pretty much hopeless. I just hate when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
The other day, a friend and I were talking about goals for the new year. He wants to lose weight and be more productive. I told him  didn't have any goals...and it occurred to me Christmas night while at work that I didn't like my answer. I should have goals. There should be something that is worth striving for. So I'm thinking about it...I'm going to come up with some years resolutions...I don't know what they will be yet...but I need to be proactive about my situation and make the conscious effort to do something with my life instead of waiting for life to do something to me.

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To me goals mean that you're living... if you don't have them then you're just "existing" and what's the point in that?

I had a boyfriend like that. Two and a half years and then we were "together" but only to the two of us for around 6 months after we broke up. It sucked. Honestly? When I finally said I didn't want to do it anymore I felt more relief than anything... because I wasn't lying to the world anymore, only to myself. And the feeling that I was lying to myself passed.

I hope things work out for you. Kudos on deciding that you need to have goals :)

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