Wow. So yesterday was a really rough day. He said we should not talk anymore....and the reason, you ask? Because I never showed him that I cared...apparently for 7 months he was waiting for something from me. Waiting for something that would prove I cared so we could get back together. Whoa...so I was completely unaware of this.. I thought us being friends was us being friends until we got our lives together. I tried to give him space because I thought thats what he needed. If I had known that he was waiting for more from me, I would never have held back the million and one times that I wanted to do more to show him I cared. So the whole time I was thinking I was doing good by giving him space thinking he would naturally want to come back and be close again, he read it as me pushing him away. All the nights I spent crying because I wanted to see him, he took it as me not wanting to see him....and all those nights, he would have been happy if I surprised him by showing up. Of this, I had no clue. So I screwed myself by 1.) being afraid of smothering him and 2.) not psychically sensing what he truly wanted from me....I don't usually say this seriously but...FML.
So basically, yesterday, he lost it. At first he just went off the deep end...like he usually does. Said we should never talk again and he was moving across country and things were over for good. However, when I talked to him hours later, he was calmer. He said we are taking a break from talking to learn how to live our lives on our own. I can't disagree with his reasoning. I don't like it at all that we won't be talking, but I can't be selfish. It's true that we both need time to work on ourselves...I said that 7 months ago. We both tend to lean on each other so much that we lose sight of who we are as individuals...it has been that way since day 1 and so it was just natural that we fell back into that old routine of being "us" all the time instead of "you and I". He promised that it wasn't goodbye forever and we promised to each other that if anything happened it was okay to call. Yet, we are officially not talking for an indefinite amount of time. Its completely heartbreaking. He was my love...I used to believe that he was the one and part of me still does. I can't even think about loving another man...but isn't that always the way it feels? So only time will tell...which is why the time apart will ultimately be a good thing. Either we will find that we are fine without or some force of destiny or fate will bring us back together in a better place and time. Regardless, I do hope that we always are a part of each others lives.
(So I was going to start a goals diary today but to include it in this same entry seems odd...I'll start tomorrow.)