I decided that I want to make an attempt to write daily about my thoughts and feelings and goals and just all the things going on in my life no matter how mundane. I am a thinker...one of those people thats always theorizing and analyzing and trying to figure it all out. I also have this constant need to express those thoughts (typically verbally) because it helps me to sort them out better...and usually I do this by driving around talking to myself for hours and hours. At one point I attempted a themed journal. i tried to choose themes or issues that were important to me and write my thoughts and opinions on them down. That didnt last long because it was entirely too time consuming to be thinking and writing like that....and I missed the driving part. Anyway, I just want this to be like some sort of receptacle for my thoughts and feelings and a way to document whats going on in my life because if I ever do find true happiness in my life someday, I want to be able to look back and see where it came from. I want to be able to see where I came from. Therefore...
Monday, January 18, 2010
Last night I went to bed angry and depressed. This morning I woke up lonely...clinging to the stuffed animal he gave me long ago. It almost feels like that little stuffed dog is from some other lifetime or an alternate reality. When e parted ways he told me to get it out so I would not miss him as much...I don't know that that is a realistic expectation. He gave me this dog at a time when he loved me...and the other day he said he didn't. So while I cling to this object made of fabric and fibers that once represented love that I never thought I could lose, its hard not to miss him. It gives me hope that this was where he directed me....to an object that was given out of love. It gives me hope that maybe somewhere deep down he still has the feelings that compelled him to gift me this dog and this was his way of telling me not to forget. Or maybe I'm crazy.
I promised some friends that I would come visit for the night. They live in Utica which is a bit of a drive but I have not been out to see them since 2008 and I figured that since they have been there for me over the past 7 months, I owe it to them. So I'm leaving today and will be back by tomorrow. In almost two years I haven't gone anywhere out of this area by myself...and a normal person would not think anything of this....but I am for some unknown reason...terrified. I am realizing now how serious it is that he and I were dependent on each other...I am afraid to travel 200 miles on my own because I don't have him to fall back on?! That is ridiculous to me...and it means that this little trip is going to be about taking my life back. Sure, I wanna stay here where its safe and I can drown my sorrows in lonliness. I wanna stay where I can drive by his house at 2am to see if he might be awake (yeah, its a little stalker-ish but so be it). Leaving...even for a day...feels like I'm giving up control....like if I'm not here, the world might go on without me...and I don't know why I have anxiety about that....but if I knew why I had anxiety, my life would be vastly different. So I'm packing a bag...taking a shower...putting on my skinny jeans (because I lost 5lbs already! yay!), stopping at a bank, gas station and hitting the road. I know now that I need to go and do this. It is my first step towards taking back my life. I need to learn that I can accomplish my goals all on my own without him by my side and without help. Going to Utica, NY for a night may not be an actual goal, but its representative of all the things I have wanted to do and accomplish but have been to afraid to try them on my own. This is only the beginning, I'll take all the small steps that I need to...because when he decides its time to become a part of each others lives again, I want to blow him away. I want to be the girl he always thought I should be but never was before....and if thats all it is...if he is impressed but has moved on, then I want to be able to stand on my own and say that its okay. Above all, this change is for me.
Random morning thought:
Love is a commitment you make based on mutual respect and caring for another.
You're a space explorer, setting out into the unknown. Make contact with Houston.